What Are Kinks and How to Use Them to Spice Up Your Sex Life
Have you ever heard of the term “kink”? Or perhaps you have heard someone describe themselves as being “kinky” or having a “kink”? Have you ever wondered what a kink is? Maybe even wondered how a kink is different from “normal” sex? If you have ever had any of these questions, then this blog is for you.
So what is a kink or what does it mean to be kinky? Basically, when referring to human sexuality, to have a kink or to engage in a kinky activity is to engage in a non-conventional sexual activity, practice, concept, or fantasy. The term “kink” comes from the idea of having a “bend” in one’s sexual behavior. This means engaging in sexual practices, using items, or acting out fantasies that are considered anything other than traditional sex practices. Think of traditional sex as two partners, engaging in consensual sex, not using any extra toys or items, and pretty much using one position. When we understand the definition of kinky sex versus regular/normal sex, we may start to realize that many of us are actually pretty kinky!
What Are Some Common Kinks?
There are a wide variety of kinks. Kinks can be anything from the mundane to the extreme. The important thing to remember with kinks is that they should be “safe, sane, and consensual”. That means a kink should not inflict lasting damage or trauma; should be something that doesn’t branch into the illegal or out of control types of behaviors; and the kink should be discussed and agreed upon with the other person or people participating in the kinky act. Below are some common kinks and their descriptions:
Blind Folded: a sexual preference for wearing or using a blindfold during sex.
Filming/DIY Porn: a sexual preference to be filmed or create video pornography while having sex.
Roleplay: pretending to be something/someone else during sexual activity. This can include pretending to be a vampire, an animal, or even a victim or hero during sex.
Costumes/Dress-Up: using costumes or dressing differently during sex. This might include dressing like a nurse, a teacher, a cheer leader, a favorite TV character, or using outfits of various types to increase sexual desire and arousal.
Food Play: any sexual practice involving food. This can mean using your partner as a dish or plate and eating food off of them, or it can mean incorporating food in other ways that are consensual and safe.
Body Fluids: using body fluids as part of the sexual activities and incorporating them to increase desire and arousal. Any flood such as urine, spit, or even blood can be incorporated into play with body fluids. Again, this practice should be used in a safe and consensual manner, ensuring that no STIs are being transmitted with these fluids and that fluid use was agreed upon by both partners.
Spanking/Whips: incorporating spanking, whips, or paddles of various kinds into sexual activities.
There are so many kinks and kink categories. Chances are if you have thought of a kinky idea, someone else has too. Which is great! That means being kinky is pretty normal and a great way to spice things up in and out of the bedroom. For a pretty extensive list of kinks, this website is a great resource.
How do Kinks and Fetishes Differ?
Think of a kink as anything different than “vanilla” sex. A kink or kinky activity is something other than two-partner, missionary style, in the bedroom, sex. A kink is something that a person likes to add or do differently during sex, but doesn’t necessarily need to use in order to enjoy sex. A fetish on the other hand, is something that a person has a strong sexual fixation with and cannot get turned-on or enjoy sex without it. Think of things like a person having a foot fetish. They may need to see or at least fantasize about feet in order to become aroused, experience desire, and then orgasm. A fetish is a more specific category of kinks.
Safety and Consent with Kinks
At the start of this blog, I told you that kinks need to be “safe, sane, and consensual”. Because there are so many different types of kinks, there are bound to be kinks that are best left to the imagination and not brought into reality. Some kinks, like the use of body fluids, need to be done with safety and planning in mind. Both partners may need to complete a health check to screen for STIs or any other transmittable diseases. Clean-up and sanitation needs to also be considered when using fluids during sex so that no one else comes into contact with you and your partners body fluids after the fun ends. Also, kinks should not create lasting damage or threaten anyone’s physical or mental health. If you are going to engage in a kink that could be potentially dangerous, do your research to make sure you know what you’re doing and know when to stop. Even something like food play can be dangerous if that food is inserted into the body or if anyone using the food is allergic. Bondage is another common kink but can easily get out of hand and cause risk to the individual being bound if any gear is too tight, if the body is bound in an irregular manner, if the person begins to panic, or if the bondage gear is not placed on the body correctly.
Consent also needs to be freely and enthusiastically given by anyone else involved in the kink activity. Make sure the kink is legal and safe and then have a discussion with anyone else involved to ensure that they feel comfortable with the kink and actually want to participate. Do not try to persuade them if they say “no” and do not try to convince them if they say they are uncomfortable with the kink. A “yes” given after being persuaded is not a “yes” that was given freely and enthusiastically. If someone is not into the same kinks as you, that is ok. Ask them if they would be open to anything else in the bedroom or if they have any kinks of their own? You could ask them if they would be willing to read a book on kinks to broaden their perspective. A fun book on kinks is The Wild Side of Sex: The Book of Kink: Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays-by Midori.
What Are My Kinks?
There are so many kinks of many different types and many different categories. Because a kink is considered anything sexual outside of “normal” sex, chances are pretty high that you have a kink or two. Kinks are so common, in fact, it’s a pretty good bet that your neighbor, friend, boss, and partner have kinks too. Even the little old lady at the supermarket has kinks!
Now you might be wondering if you have kinks too? Again, chances are you probably do! So what are they and how do you explore the world of kinks? One way to identify your kinks is to make a list of things that are turn-ons for you-things that get your metaphorical engine revving. These are things that increase your desire, interest, excitement, and pleasure when engaging or thinking about engaging in sexual activity. This is a fun activity to do to get to know yourself better and to actually think about your own pleasure.
Other ways to explore your kinks or find out about the wide variety of kinks, is to read about and research kinks. The website and book I listed above are good places to start. There are many websites that talk about kinks and many books that educate on kinks as well. Some groups, sex educators, and lifestyle coaches even provide seminars, blogs, videos, and podcasts relating to kinks. So explore, learn, and reach out to other kinky people. Let that kinky side shine!
How to Talk to Partners About Your Kinks
Kinks are not everyone’s cup of tea and not everyone is going to have the same kinks. The great thing about kinks is that they can be pretty simple or they can be more extravagant. They can also be a fun and creative way to stimulate arousal, desire, and cultivate creativity with your partner. Using kinks with your partner is all about communication and consent. Additionally, take the time to learn about your own kinks so that way you can safely incorporate them into your sexual activities.
Talking to your partner about your kinks or introducing a new partner to your kinks, starts with having a talk outside of the bedroom. Be brave, honest, and open-minded when talking about your kinks. These are things that are actually pretty common to like and find pleasure in, and so your partner is more than likely to welcome this discussion and may even share a few kinks of their own. Come prepared with information, such as: how to use or incorporate your kinks; why your kink interests you and why you think your partner might enjoy it; how to use the kink safely; and how to disengage or stop using the kink if anything goes wrong or anyone feels uncomfortable. This might be a conversation you have as you and your partner cook dinner in the evening. A new partner might like to talk about your kinks during a planned date night while you two have dinner. Always talk about your kinks when you are sober and your partner are sober that way the discussion is something you will both remember and can be discussed in a clear manner, not under the influence of any substance that may impair judgment. Remember, kinks need to be discussed before you engage in sex and try to use the kink. Your partner deserves to know what is going on and to be able to consent to the kink. Be prepared to have a partner that is not yet open to your kinks or does not feel comfortable with those kinks. That’s ok! That doesn’t mean you’re weird or should feel any kind of shame, and it doesn’t mean they are boring or a prude. Perhaps you both need to take the time to explore other kinks? Or maybe the conversation needs to continue into collaborating with each other on what kinds of other activities or fun ways you would both be open to getting creative together. Communication in this manner will help you to feel more connected, understood, and allow for enthusiastic consent. It may even lead to some out-of-this-world sex!
Next Steps
The one thing above all to remember about kinks is this-they are common! A kink is any non-conventional sexual act, which means there are a lot of kinks and a lot of people engaging in kinky fun. Kinks should be used safely, should be legal, and should be consented upon by anyone engaging in the kink activity. Lastly, having an open conversation with your partner about your kinks can be a great way to rid yourself of shame and can facilitate some fun times (with consent of course). If you would like more support relating to the topics of kink, getting creative with your sex life, or any other sex and partner related topics, the therapists at Emma Schmidt and Associates would be happy to help. Please reach out with your questions and concerns. Let us know how you care for yourself, and how we can help support you!
1. Contact Emma Schmidt and Associates to request a free Counseling consultation.
2. Meet with a skilled therapist for Counseling through our HIPAA compliant platform.
3. Begin online Counseling and begin your journey towards mental wellness, health, and happiness.
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The therapists at Emma Schmidt and Associates are skilled relationship and sex therapists. However, that’s not the only mental health service they offer. Our therapists treat general mental health and relationship concerns. We offer anxiety treatment, depression treatment, trauma and PTSD treatment, EMDR, and relationship and couples therapy. In addition to offering online therapy in Ohio, we also offer online therapy in Kentucky, and online therapy in Indiana. Contact our office to learn more about the many ways our team of skilled clinicians can help you thrive.
